I've begun a beautiful whirlwind journey of unraveling and confronting all the demons and dark corners of my life before finding God. It's already been so fruitful, but it is exhausting. Perhaps it's extra exhausting because my one year old is perpetually teething...and therefore not sleeping. It's hard to tell exactly where the exhaustion is coming from, but it has been palpable. Especially during this past week, I have felt largely like a shell of a person. Praying, feeling excitement or joy, or even feeling motivated to do basic tasks has been a real struggle. All I wanted to do was sit and nap, or take some evasive maneuvers like Facebook our YouTube. Honestly, I wanted to quit motherhood.
But I have four small children. A husband. Homeschooling. Dishes. Laundry. Diapers that need changing. Dinners that need cooking. Spilled milk and pee puddles that simply cannot be left to their own devices.
I can already hear some responses to what I'm telling you here. "Yes but you deserve a break too." "You have to put on your oxygen mask before you put on your children's." "You can't give what you don't have." "Your reservoir needs to be filled before you can fill anyone else's." All of these sentiments are true, and let me say, I have perhaps the most saintly of husbands, who makes sure that I am able to take time to myself as much as possible. I have parents who offer to watch my kids once a week so I can catch a breath or just up on laundry. By God's grace, I have more me-time than many.
What I'm getting at here is not self-negligence. It's the idea of obligation, and what a gift obligations can be. Because in a spiral of depression or anxiety, there is no amount of self-care or me-time that is going to fix it for me. It's actually disastrous if I'm allowed to wallow, to sit and baste in the pool of misery. But, were it not for my obligations as a wife and mother, surely that's exactly what I would have chosen to do this past week. I would have over eaten, I would have binge watched, I would have likely cracked. But little hands beckoned at my skirt. Homeschooling could not be neglected entirely. Little mouths needed feeding. My husband needs clean undershirts for work. The dishes need washing. The pee puddle needs cleaning. And I'm the one who needs to do them. I am mother. Wife. Homemaker. I am obliged. Thank God.
The fact of the matter is that our will is broken, as humans. We have a tendency towards dysfunction, towards the things that feel good but are actually out to destroy us. Sugar. Processed food. Toxic relationships. Gossip. Selfishness. Too much beer and wine. Too little prayer and meditation. Netflix.
When left to our own devices, we will submit to one temptation or another, guaranteed. But it is our obligations that pull us out of ourselves, that push us to fidelity to truth, goodness, beauty, and virtue. Every single ounce of my body and soul, every bone, every breath, every tear this past week just wanted to crawl into bed and retreat into social media, my music playlist, and my self pity. But my obligations would not let me, and their demands actually were agents of healing. I had to cook a good meal for my husband and children, so I ate healthier than I would have on my own. The princesses all but demanded a carriage (wagon) ride, so I got in some fresh air and exercise, and listened to the birds and laughed with my son as we pulled his sisters and their friend. The pee puddle in the bathroom came with a disappointed and embarrassed toddler, whose hug was soothing balm to my soul and reminded me of my purpose. Homeschooling can't stop just because I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps, but I was too edgy to educate patiently with love...so we took field trips to the aquarium and the farm, where I was reminded of God's beauty and creativity in the masterful diversity of His Creation.
I remember Bishop Barron once did a homily on Genesis that spoke about how we spend so much time focusing on how God did not allow Adam and Even to eat of the one specific tree in the garden. We spend no time recognizing what God did allow - the entirety of paradise was there for the sharing and taking, it was only one tree that was off limits out of the whole garden of paradise. We focus on the restrictions, not on the freedoms. And, indeed, the restriction - the obligation - can highlight our freedom or draw us more deeply into it.
In fighting against the temptation to shirk our obligations, we grow in virtues like fortitude, charity, and temperance...while, in contrast, fighting against the obligation only leads to a real death - the deadly idea that we are gods unto ourselves.
I look around at Western culture, and I wonder, when did we lose appreciation or respect for obligation? When did we forget that obligation is not a swear word, but really a gift - a safety net to keep us healthy and happy? Speed limits are obligatory, because speeding is dangerous. Red lights and stop signs and double yellow lines are obligatory to keep order on the road. I am obliged to put my children in certain car seats. Why do we accept these physical obligations, but not social and spiritual ones?
I made a vow to my husband that I would love and honor him until death do us part. Love does not mean like. Again, my husband is saintly, but our relationship suffers from ebbs and flows just like any other. Raising a family is challenging. Life can throw curveballs. But my obligation to my husband ensures that I will not leave him just because I don't like him, or because I'm not feeling it, or because I go through a day, week, or a year of wishing I wasn't married. I recall Kimberly Hahn once saying in a talk that she would have left her husband, prominent theologian Dr. Scott Hahn, when he converted to Catholicism. However it was her fear of hell and of the consequences of abandoning her marital obligation that kept her from divorcing him. They're now both happily still married, enjoying this new season of grandparenthood, and working together as Catholic evangelists.
In Judeo-Christianity, we've been given ten commandments to live by - ten guideposts to keep us from travelling down a road to perdition. In the grand scheme of life and all of it's complexity, ten rules isn't exactly excessive.
Similarly, our church has what's called "Holy Days of Obligation." We have friends and relatives who scoff at this title thinking about what a restrictive, patriarchal dictatorship we submit ourselves to in the Catholic Church. How dare the Magesterium oblige us to go to church on certain days!? But indeed, the Church knows that, like my marriage, like traffic laws, like pee puddles, laundry, and meal prep, certain obligations are good for us and bring us out of ourselves and our disordered desires, and into beautiful graces to keep us healthy and safe...even when we don't feel like doing them.
So for me, I thank God for all of my obligations, even when I resist them in particular moments of my life. Because I am finally far enough along where I can see that my obligations keep me from spiraling, from stagnating, or from giving in to every passing feeling and emotion. They are my every day kick-in-the-pants that draw me out of myself and into virtue.