I've been making the effort lately to limit my socializing, limit my texting and phone use, and even limit my blogging (hence the gap) in order to focus more wholly and attentively on my children. So this afternoon, in the small time between lunch and my littles needing a nap, my husband and I decided to set the kids free in the yard while we tackled some much-neglected garden projects. The kids are usually quite good at entertaining themselves outside, with plenty of toys, both natural and man-made. So I was really looking forward to maybe an hour of some quiet, productive, semi-alone time working in the garden. I felt as though I had earned it, after feeling as though I had been pouring myself into everyone else for so long.
Not today, my friends.
Within 20 minutes, two kids had major behavioral meltdowns that required physically removing them back into the house for a time out. One fell off a swing. One got hit in the face with some playground equipment. One filled my boot with woodchips while I was sitting and tying up tomato plants. Two argued over which safety scissors to use to "help" cut the grass. All three basically displayed a desperate need for a nap, but I was too determined to get in my "me time." I couldn't be bothered to get up from my supposed-to-be happy spot in the garden to show real sympathy for the minor fall off the swing. I couldn't be shaken out of my selfishness to help mediate the arguments over who used which scissors or who stood on which side of the play structure. I had earned my "me time," darn it, and the more problems that arose, the more I dug my heals in, feeling determined to guard my precious self-allotted mental health reprieve.
This is entirely my fault. The entire chaotic time outside is completely of my own fabrication, due to my own selfishness and laziness. So what I am about to say is not, in anyway, trying to duck responsibility. I see in retrospect how every negative interaction today could have been avoided had I just stopped what I was doing and stepped outside of my garden and my own ambitions for two minutes.
But we do live in a culture that LOVES to promote "Me Time," don't we? Seriously, if you want to do something fun, just do a quick internet search of "me time" or "self care." There's site after site of recommendations of how to get in some time for yourself, how important it is for productivity, experts telling you how much you should be getting each day, and why it's even beneficial for everyone around you. There's even definitions of "Me-Time" in some of the most trusted and used online dictionary resources.
Let me be clear. I am not advocating for neglecting your mental health. I know it is a truth, empirically proven, that we need time in solitude, and we need time to restore our mental and physical health in order to best serve others. We are all a reservoir, and without allowing time for fill up, we can't go pouring out into everyone else. And God has promised us in scripture that He will speak to us in a whisper, which I've always perceived as an invitation to solitude and silence. I just wanted to offer a slightly different thought here after today's incident. Today, I felt as though I deserved some me-time. I felt as though I had poured myself out enough, and should be allowed to take some time enjoying my hobbies and enjoying some quiet solitude. But I never asked myself - did I need that me-time? Was my reservoir feeling empty? Did I even ask God if this is the best time for self-care? Because this is not the first time something like this has happened - where I felt as though I deserve some time, and so I go ahead and take it....only to find that doing so has actually made everything worse and everyone more crabby, and specifically, made me more resentful of how I can't even take any time to myself because this is what happens when I do. Well here I am, finding time to type this all. I've already had time to finish my chores in the garden, uninterrupted, and time to pray with scripture, which I've otherwise failed to do for weeks now. I even fell asleep for 10 minutes with two of my kids. God found me the time I needed, and at exactly the right time, where I am uninterrupted, truly in solitude, and able to revel in every moment of it without any distractions, any resentment, or any feelings of guilt.
The scripture I reflected on today was Matthew 13, in which Jesus speaks in parables. There are so many parables in this passage, I won't even try to name them all. But what I took away was Jesus' lack of me-time. The passage begins with Jesus going to sit by the sea. Now I don't know about you, but I only go to sit by the sea to escape the world and find a little tranquility. But almost immediately, Jesus finds himself surrounded by a throng of people eager to hear Him teach. There are so many people, He has to leave His place on the shoreline, and get into a boat. From there, He preaches to the people. When He's determined that enough preaching has happened, He "left the crowds and went into the house." (Mt 13:36) This is, presumably, the same house which He left to go sit by the sea (Mt 13:1), where He had been preaching to the people as well. When Jesus returns to this house, immediately His disciples come to Him, asking Him for explanation of one of the parables.
The point of this is, Jesus continually makes effort to find a bit of peace and solitude, but He is constantly disrupted by people needing Him. As a mother, I continually make effort to find a bit of peace and solitude, but I am constantly disrupted by people needing me. The difference between me and Jesus is our reaction to the constant need. Jesus is ever patient, knowing that God will provide Him the time He needs. And we can see this come to fruition, in Matthew 14:23, Jesus goes up to the hills by Himself to pray, all the way until evening time. Up until this point in Matthew's gospel, there is line after line that shows Jesus seeming to try (and fail) to escape the need of the people. But He never snaps at the people, He never complains about needing just a moment of peace and quiet, He never raises His voice. He continues to serve in complete self-denial, trusting that the time of peace and solitude will come at precisely the right moment.
Sometimes, I feel as though I am failing God because I cannot find 10 minutes of quietude to offer peaceful, contemplative time with Him and His word. If I do, it's at night, and I have fallen asleep before reaching 10 minutes. I worry I am failing as a Christian, because the rule is to put God first. But in Matthew's gospel, I see Jesus' example of how He puts God first by putting others first. I remember hearing in prayer many months ago that my desire for silence and contemplation is my desire for God. This is how I want to worship God. But this is not how God needs Me or even wants Me to worship Him. It is good for me, in that I am renewed in my feelings of closeness to God. But just because I don't feel close to Him does not mean He is far away. In fact, the more I serve others selflessly, the more Christ-like I am, and the closer to God the Father I become.
I'm not saying don't pray. I'm not saying don't take time for yourself. All I'm suggesting is that holiness is best achieved through self-sacrifice, not excessive time focused on ourselves and our desires and interests and pleasures. And joy is best achieved through holiness. So if you find yourself struggling to find what society paints as an appropriate amount of "me-time" or "self care," I'd just take a moment to pause and honestly determine the water level of your reservoir. Are you too low, unable to have water spilling over into the lives of others? Then ask God to help you find the time you need to refill. He will grant it, I promise. But if you are not too low, but rather just feeling as though you deserve some time or should take some time, I can only recommend pouring yourself out some more. Don't wallow in resentment and bitterness for being unable to take time to yourself. You will derive so much more joy from giving the gift of self, and you might even avoid an argument over safety scissors. And hey, the more you pour yourself out, the quicker your reservoir will need to be refilled again, and I assure you, God will give you that time right when you need it most.