This is what I've been hearing a lot of lately, from my three and my five year old. "Mama you're mean.'
"Stop being mean."
"That's mean."
Or, the most painful, "You're a mean mama."
Daily, I find myself in a paradox. On one hand, I take pride that my children think that I am mean, because it suggests I am setting boundaries and limits, and following through on my threats. On the other hand, my heart is turning into a puddle, as I long to be nurturing and compassionate towards my children, but many days I feel calloused and worn out...and when they call me "mean," I wonder if I am lacking gentleness and compassion. Being stuck in this paradox for what feels like an eternity (but has probably only been a matter of months) has caused me to really ponder every time one of my children calls me "mean." There have been a *few* times (...okay, maybe more than I want to admit...) when I am being unreasonable, when my fatigue has gotten the best of me, and instead of rising above it, I turned off my compassion switch. I was being mean, but it wasn't out of maliciousness, it was out of parental fatigue, and I just didn't have the energy in that moment to stoop down and talk patiently and tenderly to my sweet, beckoning cherub. I simply said "no," because it was easier for me...even if it was the mean thing to do. But much of the time, the situations in which I am being called the big M word occur because I had given some sort of direction or made some sort of request, and it went ignored. And then it was ignored again. And then perhaps a third time. And if I was feeling particularly nice, I may have even offered a fourth (...fifth, or sixth) last minute, Hail Mary opportunity to comply and respond. When there is no response, then I get mean. I raise my voice, or I take a toy away. I revoke an opportunity or give a time-out. Then, I hear "Mama, You're being mean." Am I? Or was I being very nice by offering multiple opportunities to listen to me, and instead, my children ignored, disobeyed, or tuned me out?
I truly believe that, most often, my children are not being willfully disobedient. They are not actively hearing me, then actively choosing to ignore. Certainly that happens sometimes, and it infuriates me to no end. But most of the time, I think my children are so caught up in their activity - their idea, their objective, their will - that they just don't even hear my voice. My voice is so common to them, so ever-present, that it is easy to tune it out without intention. They aren't snapped back to awareness of my presence and my voice until I raise it, and begin threatening to take away things that they hold dear. They say I am being mean. I tell them, you get from me what you give to me.
I have a practice of writing in my journal for my prayer time, and I write down what I hear in response. Over the years, I've begun to piece together when it is I am just talking to myself, or when it is I am really hearing from Jesus or Mary. I talk things over when I can with my Spiritual Director, a man of strong faith and tested experience, but it is all just private revelation, so I cannot commit to anything as a guarantee. But I have heard multiple times over the course of the last year that we are heading into difficult times. More difficult than what we see in this present moment. I have heard that dark days lay ahead, and recently the warning has often been including the word "imminent." When I've heard this in prayer, I wonder, how many people look at what's going on in the world, and think that God is being mean? How many people, in the days ahead, will point at God and find reason to be angry with Him? How many will abandon Him - will leave the Christian faith all together? Because yes, as we feel God's wrath, it would be simpler, easier, and childish to point to God and accuse Him of being mean. But we can look at the past 100 years and see how much we, as a whole, have ignored God. Some have either tuned Him out completely - totally unaware of His omnipotence and love because they are wrapped up in achieving their own will. Some have heard Him and blatantly chosen disobedience. He has been mercifully patient, offering us multiple opportunities and ample time for repentance, even sending warnings from Prophet Saints and the Blessed Virgin. But we have failed, and we are getting to a point, as humanity, that our failure to keep in line with His order is leading to our own self-destruction. So what we see as God's wrath is surely just God's intervention. In the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, may we have the grace to be steadfast in faith. May we remember that God's justice is perfect, and His wrath is never arbitrary....we get what we give.
Sometimes, when one of my children is caught in a consequence for their disobedience, another child will say "Mama, I'm being good, right?"
On the surface, they're seeking affirmation to make sure they are also not in trouble. Perhaps there is a little bit of conniving there too, rubbing it in that they are not in trouble while their sibling is. But if we dig a little deeper, I can see what happens in this moment is that, the actions and the consequence of the erring child has caused their sibling(s) to reflect on their own actions, and to do a quick examen. As it seems consequences for the past 100 years are imminent, let us take the time to do our own examen, to check in with God, and say, "Papa, I'm being good, right?"